Helpless

I am broken, without control.

I can do nothing to help myself. I can do nothing to "be on top of things" like I so wish I could. I cannot get all of my work done on time. I can't will myself to do any more than I am already doing. I simply cannot.

I have nothing to offer. I struggle to adequately feed myself - both spiritually and physically. I try to give and try to serve, only to find that I am giving and serving out of nothing. There is no comfort or guidance that I can give to anyone. How can I, when I am in need of comfort and guidance myself?

I am helpless to alleviate any burden. I am helpless at being the friend and wife that I need to be. I am helpless to ease pain or soothe hearts. My heart screams out that I want to do something - anything - to make things better. But I am helpless.

I am empty and hollow. I am supposed to be filled with Christ and His love. So why do I feel so empty? Am I grieving the loss of worldly fulfillment? Why does my complete dependence on Christ leave me in sadness? My sinful heart craves other things, yet I am forced to give them up. Are you happy, God? You are the only thing left. Does it grieve your heart, as it does mine, that it has come to this?

I am broken, nothing, helpless, empty, hollow, without control and fully leaning on Christ.