Real

Thanks to the brokenness and fallenness of this world that I happen to be living in, I have found myself seeking counseling and therapy from someone older, wiser, and much more qualified to speak to my heart than I am. Since I don't exactly have a spot in the budget for weekly counseling sessions, God has graciously blessed me with a woman who will let me clean and babysit for her instead. So, for those of you that don't know me very well, or think that you know me and may not know me as well as you thought (most likely due to my own walls and issues and not your lack of perception), I will share some things about myself.

My Real Self, Part I:

First and foremost, I am a broken sinner that is in need of just as much grace and mercy as anyone else. I am human, after all. :)

As pointed out by my wonderful counselor (whom I will call L), I have issues connecting my insides with my outsides. I have noticed a trend where I will laugh or smile when I'm talking about things that are truly upsetting to me. Why? I have no clue. So, what I'm feeling doesn't always match what I'm portraying, so don't let me fool you.

Along with this, emotions and I don't really get along (especially crying). I learned at a young age that crying is weak and unacceptable, and that exhibiting passion, sadness, despair, or anything else really doesn't do me any good. In fact, my emotions were so useless, that I went for several years without crying a single tear (although there was plenty in my life to cry about). To this day, I fight my emotions because I have yet to experience what it's like to benefit from it.

I have always struggled with low self-esteem. Yes, I know, what girl doesn't. But I avoid mirrors like the plague and have never had a very accurate view of myself. Some of this comes from being made fun of for most of middle school (and yes, I was very much a dork), but apparently this actually comes most from my lack of affirmation growing up. As L so kindly explained to me, since I was very rarely, if ever, told that I was pretty or beautiful growing up, my mind has not constructed a landing strip for those type of comments. Now, when others comment on my appearance, it is rare that I truly believe them. It's not that I think they're liars - I just don't really know what that means, or how that could be true. This frustrates my husband greatly, but he is very loving and patient with me.

I struggled with severe depression all through middle school, and it is only by the grace of God that I made it through (this is the first time I have ever been to any type of counseling or therapy, and I am 21). Much of the depression was circumstantial, and part of it is probably genetic, but the problem is that it never completely went away. There are days when I am fine, and there are definitely days when I really struggle and have to really fight for truth. I have gotten better at fighting, but there are still times when the lies take over.

It is very hard for me to cultivate and create true, solid friendships. I never grew up with them, and probably don't have a clear picture of what they should be like. I am an introvert at heart who hates vulnerability, so clearly I have a problem. I have a great desire to be there and to care for my friends, although I've never been the one that they call when they need help or need to talk. Thanks to my not-so-perfect childhood, I matured very fast and kinda skipped that carefree stage. I am not very impulsive, and stick to plans like my life depends on them. I have been working on my flexibility, but it is hard. I almost never ask for the things I want - I wait to see what others say first - and consequently don't get to do the things I like most, which is frustrating. I value friendships very highly, but struggle to get or keep them.

I am a very type-A perfectionist who demands perfection from herself. This is a problem, because this is impossible. I am working on meshing my ideal self (who is perfect) with my real self (who is very clearly not). A book that L has me reading did give me some comfort in this area by explaining that we all wish for the ideal because we, as humans, were originally made for perfection. "Having ideal wishes about aspects of our lives is a part of being human. Those wishes are the lost potentials of the image of God within." But I must realize that that ideal self does not actually exist, and that I must learn to receive grace in order to deal with the real self that I am stuck with.

Sorry this is so long, but I am working on my vulnerability and openness. If you have any questions or want to talk, I am open to anything - I did put this up for the world to see, after all. :)